How to Build Confidence: The Answer is in Your Past.

Are you looking to build confidence and self-esteem?

If someone asked me this question in my twenties, I would have answered no. I knew I needed more self-belief, but my number one survival skill at the time was convincing others I didn't. And I got good at it. Sometimes I fooled myself!

Confiding in no one about how I felt about myself was lonely at times. And worse than that, it caused me to flail, because I didn't know how to help myself, and I didn't know how to ask for help.

Not everyone's experience is as extreme as mine. And some experiences are more extreme. But they all warrant reworking.

As far as we know, we get one chance to buzz around as a human on this planet. We all deserve to make it the best ride possible.

Here's your 3-step roadmap...

Step 1: How did I lose my way?

This is the first question to ask yourself - because most likely, there were unspoken messages that taught you at a young age you're not worthy or capable of great things. 

At a young age, I learned to feel invisible and unimportant. I also learned that asking for help would lead to bad emotional consequences. Either I would be made to feel bad for asking (my father) or the help I needed was a burden and only given grudgingly (my mother). 

I don't know what indirect lessons you learned or why, but this question is the beginning of finding yourself again. So ask and answer it!

(incidentally, if you want help thinking this out, I'm here for you - see below.)

Step 2: How has this impacted my life?

Once you understand why you lost your way, you can reexamine your life since that time with fresh eyes. You'll begin to easily spot the moments you made choices based on those old learned lessons - choices that furthered you down wrong paths. 

Now... This is no time to judge yourself for those choices. Of course you made them! Because of the survival skills you once needed. But you don't need them anymore. 

Once you see the ways your old belief systems informed those choices, you can begin to make new and better ones. One at a time. Baby steps.

Great. I understand my mistakes. Now What?

We've gotten to the fun part. I swear. Well, if you're doing it right it should at least include large segments of fun (I consider "large segments of fun" a great overall life goal). Keep reading to see what I mean...

Yup! That's me...

Step 3: Turn the You that could have been into the You you become.

The key to a future of confidence lies in your past. 

In the person you already knew you were when you were 8. In the person you might have become had conditioning and life circumstances not turned you in a different direction.

You don’t have to create someone new. That person is already there waiting for you:

  • Waiting for you to chisel away all those self-limiting beliefs. 
  • Waiting for you to stop making your obligations to others more important than your obligation to yourself.
  • Waiting to have true potential realized - for old dreams to become new hopes.

I go all out with this re-envisioning.

You don't have to, but with my clients, we go all out. We imagine the confident child being free to grow into a confident adult. We give this adult a name. We create the life this person led, the fashion choices, the personal likes and dislikes. This person becomes the swagger, the boldness, the certainty clients have been looking for... and becomes their mentor.

I have a name for this person inside me. It's S.O. And in intimidating moments, I call her up and she takes the reigns. She reminds me who I am and how I want to be. She makes me chuckle at life. 

This may sound like a personality disorder, but it's not. It's my replacement survival skill. And it works! Test me. Try it yourself.

If, on your journey, you decide you want help getting back to your own S.O., use me.

Tell me your story, and let me be a sounding board for your new journey back to you. I promise, no high-pressure sales. This stuff is my jam! I do it because I love it. Hit that button. 

Good luck on your journey. And remember, have fun! - Judy

About the Author

Judy Fine has been a vocal and performance coach since 2007, specializing in artist development coaching for aspiring singers and confidence coaching for everyone.

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